Perfect.

A pang of jealousy engulfed me whenever i saw all those smart kids. Especially those who donned uniforms which represent top schools. Whenever i saw them, i’ll always mutter under my breath, ‘Damn. I should have studied harder’. That’s always been the case but the reality struck me otherwise.

Sigh. Looks like i’ll never achieve my dream of studying in a top school. Only He knows how much i’ve been wanting to. I’ve been muttering prayers as much as i could to get to my dream school but to no avail. No, i don’t expect Him to answer the prayers. It’s his will and He knows what’s best for me. I love him for that. (: But, it’s really distressing. To want something badly but they were not granted. Ok, at least once please? InsyaAllah.

Honestly, I seriously wanted Mass Communication. I guess i started the trend for that course(in my school). I remembered how enthusiastic i was for that course, telling plethora of people the fun-ness of it. After which, people started liking it too and labelled it as their ‘Dream Course’. I don’t blame them for copying. I mean this is certainly not the case of copycats. If i proclaimed them as they are, it would also imply that the hundreds of people studying in that course are copycats too. Apparently, that’s of course, not the case. It’s up to their choices, interest and future prospects. NOT being copycats, in this sense.

I was woebegone because after much propaganda about the course, i did not qualify for it. Sigh. Only GOD knows how painful it was for me. To exacerbate the situation, the fact that some of them who had never won me before(for 4 years of schooling), got better grades in this national examination really numbed me. It made me feel so worthless and stupid. To think that some of them even got a better english grade than me(some failed along the way and did so much better) seriously paralyzed what’s within me. I felt that i had totally lost this war which i battled half-heartedly. I was utterly disappointed with my results.

I mean it’s like, i’m still thankful to Him. He has shown me the feeling of being at the pinnacle and down there. Like i always said, He is fair. I was always among the top 5 initially but grades dropped along the way. Not too bad, i was still in top 20 of the whole level. I mean, i’m grateful to have reached this far despite the busy schedule and other appointments in school. But, i seriously feel that it’s pointless to be up there when it’s not really counted. I don’t mind being the lousiest for school examinations but top for national examinations. NOT vice-versa please.

Of course, national examinations are the more important ones. They are the ones that either break or make you. Make in the sense of helping to carve you to be a successful person out there. And in my case, doing well in school exams but not-so-well in national exams is kind of useless in the sense that the latter is of course, more important. Yeah, i do get the glam being in the top class for 4 straight years. But, they’re seriously not important.

I was really embarrassed to face the world. The used-to-be-top-student did not do as well for O’s. Tell me, does that hurt? It hurts a hell lot for me.

Sigh.

Whee. Just created a new blog. Even though i grappled with the wordpress thingy initially, i feel that i’m getting the hang of it. Somehow, blogger is easier. Much easier to access different things and edit stuffs. Oh well.

I decided to create this blog out of anonymity purposes. No one knows of this and with it, i hope i can really say what i want. What’s deep within, without hurting the feelings of other people. I don’t really care about the tagboard or blogroll or whatever. I just want to post an entry. Period.

Phoo. Let me take a deep breath before posting. Sigh. I seriously hate my family and myself actually. I just can’t click with the parents. I tried to but to no avail. I know i suck big times. But why and in which way do i suck? I’ve tried my utmost for the exams and i seriously think i got the best results for the siblings. Wait, it’s even proven for both national exams. But, they don’t seem happy. Never happy.

 The dad treated me as if i’m invisible. But occasionally, he still talks. Actually, he don’t talk to any of us, except my mum. It’s really saddening, seriously. It’s like having a father only on the surface. I’ve never told him any of my problems ever since i was born. Sigh. My mum is another side of the story. She seriously underestimates me. How can your own mother think such lowly of you? The world is evil. This totally killed my self-esteem.

I remembered how i topped the whole school during my secondary education. My mum was like, “Hmm, ok”. It was totally a heartwrenching reaction. Fancy mugging SO hard but you got such a reply. C’mon, i deserve so much better. Sigh. And i seriously think favouritism is in her dictionary. My younger bro didn’t do well for his PSLE. Way lousier than i did. But he was like encouraged by mum and stuffs. She was spewing good words on him but till now, i haven’t receive any good compliments for my results. It’s so unfair. And please, i’m a human. I DO have feelings.

Somehow, i think they despised me. Sigh. Whenever i initiate a conversation, they will like avoid me. Fine. And thus, i normally don’t talk at home. I will be the quiet person, often being reclused into my safety shell. No one cares and i don’t expect anyone to. Asking money is like so freaking hard. She has the bucks but is not willing to give it to me. Maybe i don’t deserve it. But hello, i need it for my stuffs. To get it, i have to like say a thousand feasible and believable reasons.

I’m glad that one of the sibling rocks. Without her, i would have died long ago. She kept me moving forward.

Sometimes, i just feel that i should be sold to a home. It beats better than staying at this useless home. It just contains too much pain for me to bear. I NEED air.

A new beginning.

Welcome to WordPress.com. A new month comes with a new blog.

YUPPS.

And so, today is 1ST MARCH 2007. Like freaking fast.

I’m too stoned to post anything long/fulfilling.

With that, i just welcome the month with a big Cos the faster the time is, the faster we will all separate. Ah, NO!

i’m scared for school and my future. help help help.

losing sane

Stupid

Insecurities: MAXIMUM
Self-esteem: MINIMUM

AND.

It’s blatantly obvious that i’m just plain stupid.

Yeah-ness.

losing sane

Sigh.

I admit i am very self-conscious. Yeah, you guys know that. -dies-

I guess it’s just innate. I’m not trying to be in the limelight or whatever it is. But somehow it bothers me. Like you don’t? C’mon, then you won’t be buying the nicest(in your own perception) things that make you look good. Right? Oh well.

–

Yeah, I’m on the quest to find blogs owned by real brainies(top schs). And, i found it! Like loads of it.

Upon reading incessantly, i discovered 5 interesting facts.

1) They fuckingly hate studying but no matter what, they still study damn hard for it. Even for the subjects that they hate most. Apparently, it’s the chinese language. -.-
2) They swear like nobody’s business.
3) They study damn hard and play uber hard too.
4) They are carved to be perfectionists.
5) A B or even an A2 is never enough.

And they do have their fair share of social problems like weight and self-esteem issues. They’re still humans, afterall.

My take, 2 I’s : Impressed and inspired.

I really admire them for their strong determination to excel despite fierce competition from their peers. They’re freaking humble too. It’s like one of them was hoping to at least scrape through HMT but got an A2. Fish.

But of course, some reclused themselves and immerse their time in truckload of books.

And some still can do superbly well despite their busy trainings/social activities/play/you name it.

Any failures along the way, they remain strong and stood still.

I guess, the last line was not for me. I admit I was a freaking perfectionist with my grades when i was in sec 1. That was like the best grades ever. I swear i’ll never ever see soo much A1s ever. Reaching up the pinnacle was seriously not easy.

I mugged like shit every single day and slept for like a few hours per day. As the years passed by, i began to slack and town-ed like always. My grades dropped, not drastically but substantially.

From then on, i was motivation-less. Nothing propelled me forward and i was like what-the-hell-i-dun-care attitude.

I picked myself up during Prelims but i guess it was kinda late. Hah. And seriously, there was still no encouragement to move on. Sometimes, i regret not continuing the sec 1 stint because i’m damn sure it’ll help.

But whatever it is, what’s done cannot be undone.

–

Sigh. Why can’t i be as motivated and brainy like them? Life’s never unfair.

losing sane

Hah.

And so, the verdict is out.

RI won.

Reaction : Not in the least surprised.

HAHA.

Wait, i did mention that i rooted for HCI right? And the reason was because, i felt that RI was snobbish.

WTH.

But i think, Katik saved the game. Without his pure wit and quick thinking, i think a loss for RI was inevitable.

What say you?

losing sane

Sian.

I love hana kimi(hwa yang) to the core. Hahs. Especially the ending song and the lesson behind it.

It’s like a taiwanese version of “She’s the Man”. It’s more to high jump/track & field. Phew. Leaves me smiling and laughing to myself occasionally. It totally shows that if you love someone, nothing is impossible.

And no, i’m not preaching about love. -.-

But, it seriously wow-ed me. And i’m sure many like it too. Yippee.

I surfed the net for 8 hours liao and watched the hana kimi series for 5 straight hours. So grateful that i discovered crunchyroll because it’s faster than youtube.

And yes, my MSN is sick. Must have been skipping the pills. Sian.

Should i watch some more? Still have more episodes. (: But this laptop is damn hot already la. Sigh.

losing sane

Random

While sleeping, i heard the hp ring. It was a call from sal. AS EARLY AS 9 PLUS AM. ._. Unfortunately, it was damn audible and very irritating. Die die also must answer.

With the most grouchy voice ever, i said, “I’m sleeping!” and hung up soon after.

She missed call me exactly at 1.53am & 2.39am(taken from the missed calls history) and luckily, i was then, sleeping like a log. Goodness gracious.

Urgh.

And i really hate it that now, for no reason, i can’t sleep back once i woke up. It’s really drying me out. To think that i have all the time in the world now, it’s so contradicting. I have this mindset that of all things, why should i sleep since i’m so free. Thus, i tend to sleep very late, 2/3 am everyday.

BUT, yesterday was an exception. I was really knackered and zonked. Why? Because i woke up early for no rhyme or reason. How fun. Hur hur.

It’s a bit weird. No matter how intense the lassitude has taken its toll on me, i would certainly wake up at 12pm. It’s as if it has been registered in the database in my brain. Eergh, so not cool. And despite trying umpteen times, i just can’t get back to sleep again.

And i would not immediately sleep when i’m on the bed like any other when i’m exhausted. It takes like from an half hour(very tired) to 2 hours(not tired). It does not happen once/twice but repeatedly/consecutively.

This system is driving me nuts. The best part of it all is that, there’s no escaping it :S

–

I really, really, really regret not going for 3 months. Perhaps, one of the most regrettable decision. Hah. I was soo adamant and intransigent not to go for it because i did not want to waste my time and work instead.

But look, i did not even work. Wait, only for 3 days actually. In that stupid, brainless factory. And the rest of the months were like bullshit. Rotting at home till i got sick of it. It’s really sickening.

Yeah, you people in 3 months will be like ‘WTH. He didn’t realise how fortunate he is’ Hah. Fortunate? Hmm, maybe not. Maybe yup, IF i have endless bucks and indulge myself in never-ending, i-wan-this-this-that-that actions now in town.

Pathetically, the latter is of course, not the case.

Maybe, if i went for three months, things will work out. Even though it’s a bit convoluted with tough concepts to mug, it beats staying at home. If i went for three months, i would certainly meet more intellectual people. If i went for three months, i would certainly make more friends. If i went for three months, i would certainly experience for myself the thrill of studying like hell. If i went for three months, it would certainly be clear whether i know is jc life the thing for me. Then, it would be easier to make choices, to go poly/jc.

Haiz. Life is always full of “if’s” and “what if’s”.

The dice has been cast. There’s no more turning back.

–

Went out to eat dinner with sis yesterday.

Had this short convo with China workers(Banquet) all in Mandarin.

Him to his colleague: Ask him whether he wants this spicy or not.
Me: *immediately, abruptly* Yes, pls.
Colleague: *smiles* So, you know how to speak chinese ah?
Me: *smiles back* Yeah, a lil bit.

LOL.

I was mentioning about the factory job above. Hmm, it was really brainless, having to do the same thing all over again. I wonder how the workers can really endure doing it for tens of years. Wow. Sheer will and dogged perseverance just to earn money.

There’s this colleague of mine(in the factory) who is like a bitch. She taught me how to do the stuffs, but stupidly, it was not standardized. When i had to arrange the stuffs, i would constantly ask because i was freaking new. It was my first day man.

I wonder why they didn’t standardize it. If they did so, the job would have been much easier. AND, i don’t have to ask people. It was irritating for me too. Thus, she was like ignoring me and keep flirting with another new guy of a same race.

As if i care. Oh, please.

After the break, the new guy cabot-ed because the job must have been tough for him. Hah. Honestly, i wanted to quit on the spot too but if i do so, i’ll have no pay. The minimum stay is 3 days then, we’ll get the pay. No way am i going to let my efforts down the drain. So, hesitantly, i stayed for 3 days. During the stint, my friends labelled me as a ‘Complain King’. Hah.

As the guy left, she’s lonely. Padan muka.

She started to engage in a conversation with me and i just acted busy. Ho. Tit for tat.

There was also this China worker who can’t speak English at all. There was this particular moment when she started talking to me in Mandarin(cos she thought i was a chinese. WTH.) and i replied back in the same language, telling her i’m a Malay(dur).

She was like, “Whoa. You can speak Mandarin ah? Why never say earlier?”

LOL. Then, the other workers were like surrounding me and asked how i learnt it, it’s good to learn this language, yada yada yada.

Since i gained a lil bit of popularity(hah), that Indian colleague started to be nice back to me. Eww. I just feel like spanking her.

Out of pity, because she had no one to talk to, i just entertained her nonsensical remarks. It’s good to be nice. (:

Talking about dinner with sis, it was freaking funny. In the bus back, we laughed like arse-es loudly. Simply because we were just dumb and deaf. She said ‘mango’ and i thought she said ‘monyet’. I said ‘The Departed and she was like, ‘Huh, the Puppet?’. Okayy, it was funny then.

Earlier before, she sms-ed me, ‘Don’t forget our date later!’. When we met, she was like, ‘Hi, Sweetheart!’. HAHA. Honestly, she’s fun to be with. Lol, my sister whatt.

Am supposed to go out today to see art exhibition. Whoa. Sian-ness. Due to a strong dislike in arts, i buih-ed them. Hah.

Today’s The Arena rocks the socks out of me. RI Vs HCI. How hot/brainy can it be? Extremely.

I just can’t wait to see the rebuttals, especially. Hah. Let’s see whose argument is better and more cogent.

And yeah, i’m rooting for HCI. (not because RI lost to a neighbourhood school but there was this comment made by one of them that disgusted me. it showed a very snobbish side of them. eww.)

losing sane

Realisation

I was bloghopping aimlessly and landed in some unknown territories. Honestly, it’s a total different experience.

There was this particular blog that somehow touched me. The owner recently lost his valuable possessions, and i tell you, they are exorbitant. Unfortunately, some of it were of sentimental value. Of course, such stuffs mean more to the owner(in fact, all of us) and can’t be replaced with mere money.

But he stood strong. He prayed to GOD without fail and eventually, his answers were prayered. The evil thieves were nabbed and he might get his stuffs back.

Thus, it’s proven that He always does wonders. As long as we consult Him persistently. (:

Judging from the way he writes, i’m pretty sure he’s a smart guy who values God, family and friends. Simply, a kind-hearted soul.

–

I think that Malays are kinda boring people. And no, i don’t forget my roots.

I feel like continuing but the thought of discriminating my own race and evoking unnecessary uproar pricked me.

3 things i want t0 be:
1) Uber Hot and Uber Smart
2) Meet more intellectual people
3) Change and be uber nice

losing sane